April 24

[theycallmecap]

It's a good few hours after their release from the lockdown. Steve has been busy dealing with several things - Hyde, to start with, but also checking in with the doctors, and with a few others. Molly, Lady Grantham and Lwaxana were a priority, since they were the more at-risk, but they weren't the only ones.

He also takes the time to grab a shower and a change of clothes.

Then he hopes she's in her quarters, and walks over to Sharon's door to knock.

Comments

[withmyshield]

Sharon can practically feel the conversation looming. As soon as they are released she makes it her business to be anywhere but where Steve is. The logistics of dealing with their prisoner are well in hand without her, and for once she's glad to be able to step away from the authoritative role. It's selfish but true.

The knock still surprises her when it comes, though she had been fully expecting it. Maybe what surprises her more is how much she wishes they didn't have to have the conversation at all. How much she'd like to hide from the fight, pretend everything is okay, and let Steve's reassuring presence obliterate the worry and fear that are front and center this morning.

"Come in," she calls without much enthusiasm.

[theycallmecap]

The door opens, and Steve does as he's told, gaze drawn by the countdown clock on the window before it lands back on Sharon. He's prepared half a dozen opening statements, but right now, none of them sound good, even to him, so he just looks at her as the door closes behind him, and even a few more seconds.

"Time to hit play again," he finally states, holding her gaze.

He doesn't want this to fester between them, any more than it already has.

[withmyshield]

"There's always the other option."

Steve looks dubious, but the little shred of hope that she's being serious makes her feel like a heel, because of course she's not.

"The one where we never speak to each other again."

She crosses her arms, letting Steve start where he wants. She knows she should try to at least seem open and relaxed, but what's she going to do, invite him to have a seat so they can be comfortable while they yell?

[theycallmecap]

The look that flashes through Steve's eyes, and the way he straightens his shoulders and tries to look like he means business, say better than a thousand words that he missed the fact that that was humor, and that Sharon's words have cut deep.

"Tell me you wouldn't prefer that."

Since he's composed himself, he sounds a lot more steady than he feels.

[withmyshield]

She should know by now that there's always a way to up the ante when it comes to misery and Steve. The fact that he's so ridiculously straight that he doesn't even catch her admittedly black humor really doesn't help her side of the original argument, either.

Why should you listen to me when I tell you you're being an asshole? Maybe it takes one to know one.

"Of course not." She catches herself before she can soften it further with -remember, I love you? He sure as hell out to know that by now, especially since she'd let him "pause" their fight.

[theycallmecap]

Steve isn't sure how much he believes her denial, but he has to trust that she wouldn't lie to him. He has to trust that it is the truth, even if he still doesn't feel up to deserving her love. Even if he wonders if the Steve she knew in her world would have handled things differently, in a way she would consider more appropriate. More fitting. More right.

But he has to trust her, so he accepts her denial, and nods. Swallows, and tries to remember the conversation starters that all escape him right now. He simply comes up with, "We set the bar at different heights. It doesn't have to be a bad thing."

[withmyshield]

"It is when it makes it hard to trust each other."

That might be the scariest part of the whole disagreement -that tiny cloud of doubt between them.

[theycallmecap]

Of course, there wouldn't have been an argument in the first place if she trusted him. It's not a surprise, but hearing his conclusion confirmed out loud isn't exactly pleasant. For once, though, it mostly doesn't show.

"I trust you," he answers, steadily, and he clenches his jaw a little after saying that.

His only doubts are about them, never about her, and those doubts are few and far between, and only fueled by such moments, and his own insecurities.

[withmyshield]

"Really?" Bullshit.

Steve's a champion at selective points of view.

"Because I'm pretty sure someone who trusts me would have told me what he was planning before he let the prisoner out."

[theycallmecap]

Steve pauses, and acknowledges the truth of her words. "I don't trust you to trust me," he amends his earlier statement.

He wonders if she knows. Whether she would have trusted him, if he had come out with the truth instead of letting her find out on her own. If she would have, that's one side of the argument resolved, and all that's left is his fault.

One more reason to hope she would have.

[withmyshield]

Now he's just splitting hairs.

"That's part of actually trusting someone, Steve; giving them the chance to convince you you're wrong. Because you're right, I absolutely would have shot you down if you'd come to me beforehand, because the idea is frankly insane, but that makes it your job to change my mind. "

It's not impossible to imagine why he chose to skip that step. Even Sharon knows she's not exactly famous for being easy to talk to.

"I'm not totally unreasonable, you know. "

[theycallmecap]

"I didn't want you to convince me not to do it, Sharon," he lets out, hint of sharpness in his voice finally tearing a crack in his calm veneer.

All the irritation he feels is aimed at himself, so he takes a moment to pull himself together, and to try and put words on things he had not inspected too closely until after their fight.

"I value your opinion too much. But I don't want to agree with you on this."

[withmyshield]

"Right. Because you're the only one whose values are pure enough to decide how things should be."

It's not getting any easier to keep her cool as he continues to indirectly accuse her of having a less-than-functional moral compass.

"The air must be pretty thin up there."

[theycallmecap]

"Because I didn't want to deny Tom this small measure of freedom," Steve answers, and now it's more than a little irritation. "Because it isn't about me, and it shouldn't be about you and me." He wished she would stop trying to make it be.

[withmyshield]

Yeah, she might be taking it a tad personally. She doesn't know how to have a working relationship and a romantic relationship at the same time with any Steve Rogers, and it's a hell of a sore subject. So she glosses neatly over the part where he's right.

"It's not about you? You're making decisions that affect everyone and somehow it's not about you? Did I miss something, or am I just the only one who didn't know? If you've been consulting with your Avenger buddies or hell, even Mystique, I'll take it. I'll find a way to get over it. But I will eat my hat if you've said one word to anybody."

[theycallmecap]

"It's about giving one man, one victim, just enough freedom that he won't go insane," Steve answers, mercilessly, "so no, Sharon, it isn't about me. Me not telling anyone isn't about me either. It's about not wanting to risk him losing that."

[withmyshield]

They could easily chase themselves in circles for years with this one. 'Shut up' isn't much of an argument, but she can't listen to another second of his highfalutin justification.

"If you really can't see how that wasn't your -unthinkably irresponsible- call to make, I don't think I have anything to say to you right now."

[theycallmecap]

Steve says nothing for a few seconds, jaw clenched, but then he nods. A barely there nod, but it's there all the same. He's about to turn to go, but he's never been one to hide from the truth, so he tells it now, "I know it wasn't my call. I'd still make it."

He doesn't think that makes anything better in Sharon's eyes - on the contrary - but even if he has just made his case worse in her eyes, he couldn't let her believe something that he knew not to be true. But since he's pretty sure she is now even angrier at him, he turns to go, like she just asked him to.